Cool of the Day

It was a voice. She didn’t look like the voice of God, but she sounded like God in that morning. She had the job that, at one point in my life, I really wanted. The same one that pulled at the corners of my mind now.

“I’m retiring,” she said. “It’s enough.” She went on to remind me of the challenges that come with the job along with the prestige that beckons me. She reminded me that I have to decide if the hard parts are worth it. The answer, for me, is no. Or not yet. Maybe never.

But today, the answer is definitely no.

I have a job I enjoy, why leave it?

I have a family that preoccupies much of my mind and heart, why add another thing?

And I have a list of hobbies and skills that I want to learn and need time to do those, why delay them?

I have enough.

This conversation also reminded me of my resolution this year: no major life changes. I have had a lot of those lately and a job change would definitely count as another one. Many of the changes were good, some less so. And now I am ready to rest and heal from all the growing pains. To learn to be content– not anticipating (or worrying about) what could come next.

It’s much easier said than done but if I can achieve it, if I can consistently remind myself (and prove to myself) that I have enough in my life to keep me full and happy, then I will not need to seek out things that won’t benefit me. When I know this in the depths of my heart it will make me more discerning about what I want to add to my days, weeks and years. It’s a luxury to be able to say, “I am flattered by the opportunity, but no thank you.” I don’t take it for granted. In fact, I am humbled by it.

I mean… have I actually said “no thank you” to anything yet? No. But the fact that I can is pretty cool.

I do enough.

I also need to keep in mind that I am doing a lot. It is so easy to fall into the cultural trap that equates achieving with happiness/ goodness/ worthiness. It makes feeling content difficult for a recovering perfectionist like me.

Academia (the reason we are perfectionists) divides perfectionism into two types: Perfectionistic Strivings- the drive to achieve and perform at high levels, and Perfectionistic Concerns- the mental and emotional pressure to achieve the high expectations one set for oneself.¹ The Strivings make you look amazing; the Concerns make you feel awful and unable to sustain the achievement. A study on a person-centered approach to perfectionism found that a person with perfectionistic tendencies, especially Strivings, does not need to end up with burnout or mental health challenges if the person also believes they can grow.

“Students with a growth mindset believe that ability is changeable and can grow with effort and good strategies. They tend to have productive interpretations of challenges and setbacks (e.g., “I need to find better strategies”). In contrast, students with a fixed mindset believe that ability is fixed and cannot grow with effort. These students tend to have unproductive interpretations of challenges and setbacks” ²

The study acknowledges that the perfectionist still may not be able to moderate themselves and use the desire to grow to drive themselves even harder. It shows us there is no perfectionistic striving “enough” to outrun the perfectionistic concerns. Our minds can bully us into seemingly unlimited levels of expectations, but our time, energy, and capacity as people is finite. (I say “our” but I mean me. My energy is finite. Maybe you are superhuman. Congrats).

I am finally deciding I do not need to be the shining star of the workplace. But I do want to be better at my job than I was last year. I still also want to be considered “good at my job,” ideally I want to be considered “really, really good at my job” because achievement feels good and I am still evolving.

I am enough.

That evolution is a different shape than I originally thought it would be. It thought becoming a fully realized adult was always a spiral, hitting all the familiar hangups but still going up. I still believe the overall effect is positive, but it may look more like a blooming rose, peony to other cabbage like flower. Or a tree’s rings. It’s something that is dynamic and continuing to develop, even when you can’t see it, but it ultimately becomes true to itself, integrating the environment into its being and ultimately becoming part of it. Its not getting to a location but taking up space and time.

It grows. Enough.

Even still, its hard to find days when I truly feel good enough. And so many day when self- doubt and perfectionistic concern fill my mind and heart with worry.

On those days, there are a few things that help me. One is to remind myself what is enough:

• Its being- the world has beautiful places to be in.

• It’s making- creating something beautiful makes me feel like I am a part of it.

• It’s being loved and loving- God, my family, and my friends bring so many sources of light.

1. Shengjie Lin, Katherine Muenks, Perfectionism profiles among college students: A person-centered approach to motivation, behavior, and emotion,
   Contemporary Educational Psychology, Volume 71, 2022, 102110, ISSN 0361-476X,
   https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cedpsych.2022.102110. ↩︎
2. ibid. ↩︎