I remember middle school as a time of uncertainty, identity seeking and trying to figure out where I belong on my own for the first time. It was confusing and demoralizing and incredibly important moments. Moments both bright and dim.
Unexpectedly at the Starting Line
When I talk about it, when most people talk about these time periods. it seems like we are talking about entering the fabled dark forest hoping we find our way through. But what I see is much more terrifying. An open field, a wilderness, a desert. Its not about what you cannot see but what you can see. Everything, everywhere, all at once. No paths, no boundaries, no signs saying danger lies beyond this point or water and food are this way.
It is space.
It is unsettling.
But if you allow it to be what it is, it can be home. It will provide nourishment. It can be a blessing. It is also necessary (unfortunate but true).
One of the things that surprised me the most is that though, in both situations, I had experience. I was not new to school and not new to adulthood. However hormone changes and new life experiences let me know that I was new. I was not in the middle but at the start of something.
But if you allow it to be what it is, it can be home.
Not Rushing for a Finish Line
The most healing thing I try to remind myself is that patience makes me feel better. Knowing that I am in a time of waiting, stillness, and allowing things to come into focus gives me some peace.
I do not want to give the impression that I feel this all of the time of even most of the time (when I hit the Luteal phase it all comes apart). But it helps sometimes. Writing helps too. Which is why I am here.
Cool of the Day 
Leave a comment